I’m Getting Lost So I Can Be Found
My parents came to pick me up after an hour of leg-day punishment routine in the gym.
I don’t know if it was the pain running down from the hips or if it was something that was long locked up inside my mind. I started staring at the outside of the window.
Driving home took longer than the usual so I finally sat by the window. Just a few blocks before turning away from the horizon, I saw the sun set in a marvelous spectacle of red, orange, and purple gradient.
Then it hit me, “I’m tired.”
And no, it wasn’t because it was leg day nor the trip took longer than it already did nor the life-questioning sunset.
It was the seven, eight years of gaining nothing but responsibilities I wasn’t ready for, heartbreaks I wasn’t able to truly move on, of continuous struggles between putting myself first or putting others first, of finding peace to who I truly am.
It’s ironic because I always tell my best friend to take a long pause when things are not entirely clear or when she freaks out a little bit about a rash that’s just a symptom of her PMS.
Yet I for once never really grasped the idea myself in a much grander, more personal scale.
So, after 7 years, I am taking a long pause in life to figure out what it really is for me. I gave a notice to my manager and my family that I’m taking a break in corporate life and from the responsibilities I took for them.
It felt like jumping from a 30-ft cliff head first. It was scary, but it was thrilling at the same time.
I just really needed a long break where I want to find out if I would feel really fulfilled about creating great online experiences, or if it’s about being financially free, or if it’s about finding peace within me, or nothing of these things, or everything all at once.
I don’t know what the future looks like after making this decision. I truly really don’t know and it’s scary while at the same time I feel hopeful something great will come out of it.
I sat in the car still thinking about making a big decision. It was all dark now but in the back of my mind I still remember that marvelous sunset.
Then I remember a lyric from that one song I couldn’t figure out the title yet but it goes like,
“Why is it always darkest right before the dawn?
If liars can be honest, and right can be wrong
and when you find a doorway, are you in or are you out?
You have to stand up before you fall down
You need to get lost before you get found.”
I believe that I need to get lost for now. Wander a little. Discover a little. Rest my soul for a while.
